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09/08/2001 Entry: "9/08 Morning"

I have a hard time sharing my personal life on the web. I know there are real people who read my boring words so I usually guard what I say. I just cannot open up.

I'm changing that today because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't want to talk to any of my friends because I don't like to talk about Shawn with them. Or I should say, I don't want to say anything bad about Shawn to anyone. I respect him too much to air our dirty laundry, so to speak. So what I do have to say really isn't bad, but it's very private and really is between him and I.

We are having another argument. This particular argument is one that we've had a few times before and one that doesn't seem to be getting resolved. The bottom line is Shawn is very active with sports and friends. He bowls and plays golf, volleyball, basketball, baseball. He also regularly tries to get together with friends to play cards. He is extremely outgoing....the complete opposite of me. So sometimes I wonder where I fit in. He can be so busy with all his "activities" that there doesn't seem to be enough time for me.

I told him a long time ago that it was very important for me to go out on dates on the weekends. I for sure would like him to save Fridays for "our time". I would also like Saturday but don't have a problem with it as long as I get the Friday. Well it seems one thing or another pops up about once a month where he doesn't get home in time to take me out on Friday or he makes other plans etc. and this is unacceptable to me. I have told him so many times how important it is to me that we have our "date" night and yet he still disappoints me. He just doesn't get it.

I think what really gets to me is the fact that he can devote every single last Monday to bowling, and every single Sunday to volleyball etc. and yet he cannot devote one day to me. I am hurt and disappointed. I want to come first with him. He really is wonderful in every other way and treats me like a queen. It's just he is so spontaneous and has trouble saying no to others. I can't understand why when asked to do something on a Friday he can't simply explain that it's Leah's night. Why? Why! This really infurriates me. I don't think I'm asking for much, or maybe I am. I have told him to let me know if this was too much to ask and he always says "of course not". That's just it. He always says what he thinks I want to hear....always Mr. Agreeable.

So I am tired of it. This issue may seem petty or small to some, but to me it's fairly large because it all boils down to how important I am to Shawn. If he can't dedicate one lousy evening or date night a week with me now, how would it be later? I do not want to be the wife who sits home while my husband goes off to his various "activities".

There are other minor problems such as this, and what they mean to me is that Shawn and I really are opposites. It's hard to compromise but we each try. One of Shawn's mottos is "the more the merrier" while I prefer to be alone with him. Put each of us in a crowded room and Shawn would be on stage telling jokes while I'd be laughing from the corner. I go to most of his sports and sit in the sidelines to cheer him on, and I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is when he puts those things or his friends before me.

I really am upset and could go on and on about so much more, so I better shut up for now before I say something I may regret.

Replies: 4 comments

Hi Leah. I know I am one of the friends you don't want to say something bad to about Shawn. I won't say what I usually do to ya though. I think you are totally in the right on this. Because you accept him still being active in all his sports, he should devote some of his time to you and what you want to do. I am sorry to see you so upset over this, but I feel you have every right. It hasn't been but a month or so ago you talked to him about this. Keep your head up and yell if you need to talk.

Bren has spoken @ 09/08/2001 11:40 AM CST

Leah,

I can totally relate. My hubby is more homebody and I am more outgoing. :)

We set aside one night a month, or sometimes one night a week, just the 2 of us.

He agreed to this and so did I.

When you two discussed doing this did you make sure that he knew it was important to you? I'm sure you did, maybe you need to gently remind him by sitting down, in the car, going to one of his activities and tell him. I find that the car works best, as they cannot walk out of the room!

Let me know if I can do anything...I don't like seeing anyone upset.

:) *HUGS*

Sara has spoken @ 09/08/2001 12:31 PM CST

After years of arguing unsuccessfully, I finally researched into doing it correctly and I would like to offer some insights that I hope might help you. The way you and Shawn are communicating over this issue now is not working, so what have you got to lose. No, it's not your responsibility to shoulder the weight of this whole thing, but you might have to if you're the only one getting hurt by the situation. To argue sucessfully with a man, is to understand men better. #1 - never discuss this in the heat of the moment - they shut down and don't register a word and will say anything they can to calm you (or end the attack really). Always discuss it when you are calm. #2 - Always use the word "I" and never the word "You". For example, instead of "You don't care about me enough to stick to our Friday night date" say, "I feel hurt and taken for granted when there is not priority put on our time together". #3 - spell it out as clearly as you can. The best way to get it clear to you first is to write down everything you feel about your hurt. What is it that hurts, why does it hurt, what else amplifies the hurt, what in your life has made you more sensitive to this kind of hurt and lastly, what do you need to not hurt? Most men do not read between the lines. If you don't say it, they won't hear it. Women can do this but men can't. It's not an indicator of whether he loves you or not, believe me. In a nutshell. Calmly and rationaly and without pointing your finger at him, explain in as much detail as you can why you are having great difficulties with this. When you attack a man in anger he is not capable of realizing you are really attacking in hurt. When you approach a man gently and let him see your hurt, he is more apt to want to fix it. I do solemly swear that I have done all of the above and that it has changed my marriage 100%, right wrong or indifferent.

an annonymous friend has spoken @ 09/08/2001 02:08 PM CST

ooooh, Leah... I totally understand how you feel. I don't think you are being petty at all. As you probably know already, I have the same type of problem with my husband at times. He spends 24/7 at the computer and doesn't even know I exist until he wants something. We have fought almost to the death over it all and to tell you the truth it just keeps getting worse. He would dump our plans because a friend asked him to do something, the works. Everything seemed and still seems more important than us.

I hope you can get things resolved and can get your dates back. I know how much it hurts to get put off. Hopefully Shawn will realize the problem and things will be better. And if you ever need someone to sound off to, just give a hollar. Believe me, I understand. (((hugs)))

Jill has spoken @ 09/08/2001 04:32 PM CST

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